Aimless Ideas: Feeling terrible and then not

What can I say? Everyone makes a decision that will utterly have a consequence either instantly or forever, maybe even both.
Whatever.
Me?
I have no idea, possibly my actions are to be forever remembered or not, either way it sure was instant, as far as I can tell. Regardless, we must all move on unless we are to live in a single moment forever. Without being too easily specific and making you not think and then have the satisfaction of "OH! that's what he's talking about." I made a choice that affected another person, and now I bear witness to what it has caused.

But what exactly does that even mean?
I know how it has affected me, without a doubt, I felt pretty awful, and definitely wished not to have done so to make me feel like that, but what exactly do we feel awful for?
Is it because it didn't go as we wished?
Or is it so because the person we affected might feel similarly? Maybe I am too much of a person who thinks about how others think instead of myself, and lately I think that's actually just right on the mark.

Perhaps it is okay to be selfish about things, but of course not in a manner in which to be a total disregarding person and say to someone "Well, fuck off. You didn't want it that way." Not at all.

But instead to not engulf myself into another person so much that I forget what makes ME happy, what makes ME still alive, that whatever happens, it'll pass over and I will laugh about it in a year or so with said person.

Maybe not that well, who knows? Perhaps what I have done is irreversible and I will forever only lament the fact that I did something to alter a friendship or perception of myself to another person.

But what's the point of worrying about such things?
Misery loves company, don't just fucking give it company like it's fucking Christmas and you got the Secret Santa at your shitty job at the local law firm office and the items on the list are

A) Sulking Partner
B) Crying and Remembering the 'Good times'
C) Karaoke with shitty 128kbps MP3s burnt on a mixtape

I cared (still do) about this person, obviously, but if we were to say I could go to the 'old' perception, would this person want me to be miserable about it? To want to just imagine every moment a living hell?

I sincerely doubt it, so in whatever fucked up way, in honor of the way things were before (this is a loose term, things don't change only perceptions goddammit) I myself will not feel awful for it, and maybe with time and patience this perception with another person can be similar to how it once was.

Of course unless it's something REALLY awful like rape or some such, yeah you, I knew you thought about that. Sick fuck.

EDIT: Fuck, I might have done it wrong, time to fix things!

Aimless Ideas: songs songs songs

Besides making acting like a fool, I make a bunch of music, most of it unfinished and never will be finished, but here's a little ditty on the status on my current ideas and such.

First off, influences are this point would be Pavement, R.E.M., and The Smiths.

- Song #1: "Ages" - this song has been a trip to finish, a slow clunky song with some Michael Stipe influenced vocals, pretty much a slow mover, the chorus (if you could call it that) hits a bit like a pile of bricks, although nothing enticing, the last chorus is probably that lift off moment. Almost done, probably to be on the upcoming EP of sorts.

- Song #2: "After the Days" - probably the most jumpy song, the drums are very dance-y I guess, reminds me of The Smiths, came up with the bassline while in the shower, I think the chorus is a bit of a sad affair, not sure how to feel about that.

- Song #3: "Voila, the Answer" - this is a strange song, the chord I used for that da da da da part is very exotic sounding I think, but maybe not. It's definitely a full band song, and possibly it will be played by none other than the Cape Crusaders. Definitely the fastest and hardest of the songs. Excited to see it in a finished form.

- Song #4: "Rest of my Life" - extremely sarcastic song, not very far done though, planning to get it to sound like Weezer or something of that manner. Has a line that goes "Didn't you hear?/I said I wanted you here/But you never came/Only a motherfucker left to blame. Classy.

That's about the jist of it. We'll see if these ever see the light of day.

pictures of an adventure

i'd like to think the actors never stop acting.



letting your days go by



not living just killing time.

A poem (not by me)

A silhouette amidst the smoke
Walking, pacing, biking where?
He seems the average sort of bloke
Why does he stride through squalid air?

('Perhaps he goes to fight a foe'
'Perhaps it's better not to know'
'Perhaps it is a boring task'
Perhaps it's better just to ask)

'To victory!' he boldly claims,
Thoughts on what he might obtain.
'Or perhaps not' he says ashamed,
Perhaps his work has been in vain.

'He's at the door!'
'His nerves are shot!'
'Perhaps he'll score!'
Or perhaps not.

What occurred, we'll never say
But happier, he looks today.

-Mohinder Krug

random things.

1. you spoke of yourself
in a manner so cunningly
though it wasn't true
found eating my words so suddenly

she spread your conscious open
where things of no importance go right in
what isn't there
is really the truth

yet still
you only hear
what we want to hear
and disregard the rest

only searching for the answer
we know isn't worth the trek
but it was fresh in the minds
from the beginning of this quest

irony tastes so sweet
savory as lead
fascination ends to nowhere
much less where we tread

please never be able
or ready to admit
good for everyone else
and myself, as well